Meeting Mom

Posted By on April 15, 2013

When we first arrived at my mother’s, she was in the mist of making dinner. We greeted, we hugged… then she went back to cooking and announced that she would set us up for dinner and then go to someone’s birthday party that evening. There would be dinner and dancing, two of her favorite activities. It didn’t surprise me.

I was a little disappointed but reminded myself that she went out of her way to prepare us dinner. If this was what she needed, then I will support her fully.

She surprised me by asking if I wanted to go too. Well, as a matter of fact, dinner and dancing were also two of my favorite past times, but add my mother in there, whom I hadn’t seen in a year, how could I refuse? With the blessing of my generous husband and children, we left.

The birthday was of an acquaintance my mother barely knew. Dinner was almost finished by the time we arrived (it did look good) and there was more Karaoke than there was dancing. My mother sat next to her friends, introduced me and continued into conversation. A wave of disappointment nearly enveloped me. The images of a reunion, sharing stories at the dinner table and taking a stroll by the river all tumbled in the froth, sand and salty waters and pulled out to sea. A familiar feeling returned. One that is reminiscent of Min Yi as a teenager who had been disappointed by her mother so many times that she had given up trusting. So I did what I could do. I went to my mantra:

I will be kind.
I will express my gratitude.
I will be understanding.
I will be authentic.
I will be inclusive.
I will trust in my mother’s positive intentions.
Though, I remember the past, I will receive each moment anew.

I wondered, why my mother would want to come here over being with my family at home? Was she afraid of her grandchildren rejecting her? Perhaps she thought the party would be more fun? Did she really like dancing that much?

I replaced all the judgments with curiosity, so I would be able to know my mother better and not to put her in a box, as I have done before. We were not yet in a place where I could ask her these questions directly… but because I held these questions in my heart with love throughout the trip, they did get answered.

I danced that night with enthusiasm, some with my mom. She had become quite the skilled ballroom dancer. I made meaning out of conversations with people I did not know. I enjoyed watching my mother smile, laugh and dance …  the highlight of my evening.

Meanwhile, cameron and the kids had finished dinner and went for a walk. By the time we returned home, cameron had put the children to sleep on her bed.

Category: Daughter, Family of Origin, Healing | No Comments »
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In Paradise with Dad

Posted By on April 7, 2013

Why wasn’t dad going to his only son’s wedding? Then we won’t need to drive three extra hours to see him after flying for five hours. Does he not care any more about his family? Those were some thoughts that went through my mind before the trip. These were judgements and accusations stemming from my sadness, frustration and love for my father and my family.

To shift out of the blame, I started to wonder what was his positive intention? The answer from what I know of him would be comfort and safety. The reason for that may be left for another story.

Since my two youngest children have only meet him once when they were infants, I thought it was important for them to meet each other again. And how often do we visit the East Coast as a family like this? My children were so excited, “We get to meet your dad today?” They would ask on the plane. “How many more hours?”

We went to a hotel a couple of blocks away, it was late. My father bought some take out and brought it over to us. He said he won’t stay because he was sick and did not want to get us sick. Cameron and I blocked him at the door several times, pleading with him. That all we wanted was to see him and it didn’t matter to us that he was coughing. Even if we had all gotten sick from exposure, it would have been worth it.

He did stay a little longer. Not sitting, but standing by the heater watching us eat. And finally left five minutes later.

Again feelings of sadness and disappointment were upon me. And again, I sought his positive intention: his comfort and love for our health. I asked what I was willing to do to meet him, meet the needs of my family and my own need for connection?

The next morning, we went for a nice walk on the beach and on the broad walk. Collected unbroken shells and tumbled stones. I asked my children if they wanted to find something for their “gung gung” (maternal grandfather).

I called my dad and told him we would like to visit him this morning before we left, and wondered if he would like me to pick up anything for him at the store. He asked for grapes. So we went to the store and bought two kinds of grapes, asian pears and shrimp chung fun (thick rice noodles).

About umpteen years ago, I discovered that when my parents said, “Have you eaten?” They mean, I love you. When they said, “Here, I made you some food.” They meant, “I love you.” Funny how years of resentment can melt aways with such a simple understanding … and now, I wanted to show my dad, I understand.

When we arrived, he was watching a basketball game. We said our hellos and my father washed the grapes and the asian pears. He said he liked asian pears without skin so I peeled the skin for him. I told him asian pear was health full for a cough. After he ate it, he said he could already feel his health improving.

I made noodles for lunch. And asked my children to give “gung gung” their presents. We made a little nature table with them, for my dad to remember that we are thinking of him even when we are away,

We took some pictures and said our good byes. I asked him if he would come out to New York for the wedding or to see us. He said kindly and firmly that he would not. I asked when we would see him again. He answered with light and laughter in his eyes, “In paradise.”

To me, we already were.

Category: Chinese, Daughter, Family of Origin | 1 Comment »
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Connection comes from work and play: An intro this Saturday

Posted By on February 21, 2013

Category: Inspired, Mother | No Comments »
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Teach Me Magic

Posted By on February 20, 2013

Last year, the phenomenon of the Magic Cards entered the sheltered world of my ten year old boy. His friends played it, and it seemed, he might have been the last one of his peers to learn of this game. I resisted in many ways, making excuse after excuse to not buy the cards. There were several reasons:

1. Some of the cards were quite gruesome and inappropriate (in my opinion) for children. In fact, Magic Cards were meant for children 13+, check the packaging.

2.  It’s already challenging enough to get the kids outside to play, I didn’t want something else to keep them sedentary in the house.

3. My ten year old is the eldest of three boys. If he picks up this trend, his little brothers will be pining for them too. My job is to keep their childhood intact and introduce the world to them gently and mindfully.

 

On my son’s eleventh birthday, almost all of his friends bought him Magic Cards as a present. I braced myself. Then, I embraced it. If this is going to be in my child’s life, it is going to be in my life and I want to understand what it is so that I may consciously guide it in our home. I learned that in a nutshell there are white (angelic being), green (forest creature), blue (water creature), red (fire creature) and black (demon) cards. I asked that he only keep white, green and blue. If you looked at them you will know why. He will have my blessing to have the other ones when he turns 13. I also asked him play with his friends but not with his brothers. This was a compromise we were both happy with, at least for now.

Nine months later, today, I am playing with the boys every once in a while. I have my own white blue deck. The rules are starting to sink in enough that I almost enjoy it, like a chess game.  I’ve also discovered some advantages:

1. I get to see how my children play, interact and react in competitive situations. In a playful environment, I have a chance to encourage their strengths and support their challenges.

2. If I look at the game as an opportunity to connect, then that will be it’s purpose.

3. I get to model sportsmanship, reasonability and patience while I play.

4. I get to connect with my child’s friends when they are over so their world and my world has a common OUR WORLD.

Thank goodness for the Angelic Being +1/+8 that entered the battle field to help me in this journey of parenting.

 

 

Category: Mother, Tween | No Comments »
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There is no such thing as a “difficult” person

Posted By on February 18, 2013

Now that I’ve parented three of my own children. I’ve had my fair share of people from my family of origin to complete strangers who tell me, unsolicited, how to parent, care for and nurture my children the “right” way. Have you had that?

I’ve also discovered that there is no such thing as a “difficult” person, there are:

  • people whom I have no patience for
  • people who just care about my children
  • people who are sharing what they know.

There are no ill intentions only positive ones. Here is what I mean.

A: Why aren’t you giving your baby solid foods? He’ll never get full with just your breast milk.
Me: Thank you for caring about my baby. So you think solid food will nourish my baby? Tell me what you know about this.

Acknowledge their positive intention. Approach with inquiry rather than judgement. It will make rapport and connection. Sometimes people just want to be heard or to connect with us, and this is their strategy.

Me: (after listening) That’s interesting. I’ve read from various sources that breast milk offers the best food for a baby, especially if the mother eats a healthy and balanced diet, which I do. Gosh, there is so much information out there about how to raise our children… we can only do our best. Hey, thanks so much for caring and for your concern.

When a person feels heard, they are more available to listen. If we are not able to listen. This will fall under the “people whom I have no patience for”. And my quick reply would be, “thanks for the suggestion, I’ll think about that.” Which means, I will need more time to process what your positive intentions are so I won’t be so reactive.

I’ve tried this out with every challenging interaction and I have yet to find an exception. Can you?

Please share if you do.

 

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